"There are three kinds of people in this world--those who CAN count, and those who CAN'T."

 

"Some people are so poor, the only thing they have is money."

 

"Ociffer, I swear to drunk I'm not god."

 

"WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish."

 

"I ran into my ex the other day...PUT IT IN REVERSE AND HIT HIM AGAIN!"

 

"Everyone says there's a Mr. Right...I think mine got hit by a truck."

 

"Two words guys hate: DON'T and STOP, unless you put them together."

 

"Men are like a deck of cards. You'll find the occasional king, but most are jacks." -Laura Swenson

 

"Mirrors don't talk, and lucky for you they don't laugh."

 

"Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill."

 

"Everyone has the power to make soemone happy, some by entering the room, and some by leaving it."

 

"If you wanna be seen, stand up. If you wanna be heard, speak up. If you wanna be appreciated, shut up!"

 

"You thought you had him, you may think he's yours. HAHA, that's funny--'cause he don't mess with whores."

 

"Roses are red, violets are blue,

Sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,

The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head!"

 

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." -Groucho Marx

 

"I'd tell you to go to hell, but all dogs go to heaven."

 

"You always cease to amaze me."

 

"If I throw a stick, will you leave?"

 

"There's no 'i' in slut, but there sure is a 'u'."

 

"The person who laughs last didn't get the joke."

 

"Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly."

 

"I've got PMS and a gun. Now--was there something you wanted to say?"

 

"Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried to slam a revolving door."

 

"If you want me to fall for you...give me something to trip over."

 

"Me and my wife are in one of those strange and wonderful relationships. You know, she's strange and I'm wonderful." -Coach Brittle

 

"It is better to let someone think you are stupid than to open your mouth and prove it."

 

"Is it because light travels faster than sound that some people appear bright until they speak?"

 

"I may look busy, but I'm just confused."

 

"It's not easy being me, but it sure is funny watching people try!"

 

"I never make stupid mistakes...only very, very close ones."

 

"Don't follow in my footsteps...I run into walls."

 

"My reality check bounced."

 

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them...and you have their shoes."

 

"If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants!"

 

"If you say that a few more times, I might actually listen."

 

"I smile because I have no idea what's going on."

 

"If you laugh at your mistakes, you'll never run out of things to laugh at."

 

"Don't get high on LIFE; snorting cereal hurts!"

 

"Last night I dreamed I ate ten pounds of marshmallows, and I woke up, and my pillow was gone."

 

"Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer." -Rita Mae Brown

 

"I try to think but nothing happens."

 

"I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day, and tomorrow doesn't look good either."

 

"I don't do rules."

 

"I'm multi-talented; I can talk and piss you off at the same time."

 

"I'm lost. Please take me home with you?"

 

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." -Ozzy Osbourne

 

"I've been trying to escape reality, but they always find me!"

 

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of a mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." -Rita Mae Brown

 

"You're just jealous that the voices talk to me."

 

 

"I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips..." -Mitch Hedberg

 

"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others." -Mitch Hedberg

 

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." -Mitch Hedberg

 

"If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable." -Mitch Hedberg

 

"What does a sane man do to an insane society?" -Joseph Heller