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Top 13 Things PMS Stands For:

13. Psychotic Mood Shift

12. Pack My Stuff

11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

10. Perpetual Munching Spree

9. Puffy Mid-Section

8. People Make me Sick

7. Provide Me with Sweets

6. Pardon My Sobbing

5. Pimples May Surface

4. Pass My Sweatpants

3. Pissy Mood Syndrome

2. Plainly Men Suck

1. Pass My Shotgun

Work VS. Prison:

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in a 8x10 cell.

AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON you get three free meals a day.

AT WORK you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.

AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet.

AT WORK you have to share.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.

AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

Funny Thoughts About Exercise:

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

The Differences Between You and Your Boss:

When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.

When your boss is on a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.

When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked the rules of etiquette, you're being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're brown-nosing.

When your boss pleases hiss boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

Interesting Facts about Cola:

To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coke into the toilet. let it sit for one hour, then flush clean.
To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coke.
The clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coke over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coke to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coke into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a brown gravy.
To remove grease from clothes: empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coke will help loosen grease stains.
It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
In many states, the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
There was a competition in Delhi University: "Who can drink the most Coke?" The winner drank 8 bottles and died on the spot because he had too much carbon dioxide in the blood and not enough oxygen.
If you put a broken tooth in a bottle of Pepsi, in 10 days it will fully dissolve.

Outrageous Court Cases:

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson's son.
A terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homewoner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occured while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the lady's room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Trument apparently didn't notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

What NOT to Say to a Police Officer:

1. Sure I'll get my license, but can you hold my beer?

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. When the Officer says, "Gee, son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with," Gee, Officer, your eyes look glazed...have you been eating doughnuts?"

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, good, just so one of us does...

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer...

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. I was just trying to keep up with traffic...Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are!

Funny George W. Bush Quotes:

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of a Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
"I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."

My Mother Taught Me...

TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to fight with each other, do it outside--I just finished cleaning!"

RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

IRONY: "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

The science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

CONTORTIONISM: "Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

How to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because i saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times--Don't exaggerate!"

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"

ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

You Know You're Too Stressed If...

You can hear mimes.
You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.
The sun is too loud.
Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
You ask the drive-thru attendent if you can get your order to go.
You can skip without a rope.
Trees start chasing you.

Oxymorons:

Happily married
Microsoft works
Holy war
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Everything except
Civil war
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt head
Military intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then"
Synthetic natural gas
Christian scientists
Passive aggressive
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Freezer burn
Honest politician
Jumbo shrimp
Loners' club
Postal service

19 Things to Think about when You're Having a Bad Day:

Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.
Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
If love isn't a game, then why are there so many players?
Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.
You can only go as far as you push!
The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.
Don't let the past hold you back, you're missing the good stuff.
Life's short. If you don't look around every once in a while you might miss it.
A best friend is like a four leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have.
Some people make the world special just by being in it.
When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can always look beside you and your best friend will be there.
A true friendship will never end!
Good friends are like stars...you don't always see them, but you know they're always there.
What do you do when the only person that can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?
Nobody's perfect until you fall in love with them.
Most people walk in and out of your lfie, but only true friends leave footprints on your heart.

Things to do in the Computer Lab:

Log on, wait a second, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my god! They've found me!" and bolt.
Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret pentagon files.
Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life, then stop and continue typing.
Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
"If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
Draw a picture of woman/man on a piece of paper, and tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women/men are worthless.
Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove your shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim a sudden Haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
Take the keybaord and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
Laugh hysterically, shout, "You will all perish in flames!" and continue working.
Bring some dry ice and make it look like your computer is smoking.
Assign a music note to every key. Whenever you hit the key, hum its note loudly. Type an entire paper this way.
Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (space bar works, so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time! No wonder it wasn't deleting!" Print out your document and leave. (I've done this to Heather, but had to stop cuz she did it to me.)
After computer class is over, switch mouses and/or keyboards with the computer next to yours. (Me and Heather did this every Friday...)

Actual Epitaphs Found on Tombstones:

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetary, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle

Age 102

The Good Die Young.

In a London, England cemetary:

Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann

Who lived an old maid

But died an old Mann.

Dec. 8, 1767 in a Ribbesfort, England cemetary:

Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread

And the Lord sent them manna,

Old clear Wallace wanted a wife,

And the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico cemetary:

Here lies Johnny Yeast

Pardon me for not rising.

Memory of an accident in an Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetary:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake

Stepped on the gas

Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada cemetary:

Here lays Butch,

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger,

But slow on the draw.

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetary:

Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803

His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife

And yearns to be comforted

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange

Here lies an honest lawyer,

And that is Strange.

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:

I was somebody.

Who, is no business of yours.

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. he's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetary in Tombtone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore

Four slugs from a .44

No Les. No Moore.

In a Georgia cemetary:

"I told you I was sick!"

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England cemetary:

Reader if cash thou art

In want of any

Dig four feet deep

And thou wilt find a Penny.

On Margaret Daniel's grave at Hollywood Cemetary in Richmond, Virginia:

She always said her feet were killing her, but nobody believed her."

In a cemetary in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle

Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stoogest movie:

Here lies the body of our Anna

Done to death by a banana

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:

Gone away owin' more

Than he could pay.

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:

In Memory of Beza Wood

Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837, aged 45 years.

Here lies one Wood

Enclosed in wood

One Wood within another.

The outer wood is very good;

We cannot praise the other.

On a grave from the 1889's in Nantucket, Massachusettes:

Under the sod and under the trees

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod;

Pease shelled out and went to God.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:

Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid".

Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903--Died 1942

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.

It was.

In a cemetary in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,

As you are now, so once was I,

As I am now, so shall you be,

Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you, I'll not consent,

Until I know which way you went.

Bumper Stickers Sighted Throughout the World:

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal!
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
i souport publik edekasion
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. -Dorothy.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Born free...Taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
I brake for no apparent reason.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
I may be fat, but you're ugly--I can lose weight!
No radio--already stolen.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surgers.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; fewer men act it!
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
A bartender is just a phramacist with a limited inventory.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
We have enough youth, how 'bout a fountain of SMART?
Make it idiot proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
Remember: you're unique, just like everybody else.
I is a college student.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
I do whatever my rice krispies tell me to do.
If you don't like my driving then get off the sidewalk!
No, you suck. -Signed, the mean people.
Mean people suck...Nice people swallow.
My karma ran over your dogma.
I don't lie, cheat, or steal unnecessarily.
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me...Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
Sex on television can't hurt you...unless you fall off.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Is there life before coffee?
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
REHAB is for quitters.
Sex is a misdemeanor...the more I miss it, the meaner I get!
Learn from your parents' mistakes--use birth control.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Unless you're a hemorrhoid, GET OFF MY ASS!
I have PMS and ESP...that makes me the BITCH who knows EVERYTHING.

How To Keep Your Insanity:

Page yourself over an intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Insist that your email address is Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King@companyname.com
Everytime someone asks you to do something, as if they want fries with that.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "GRADED TESTS".
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for my alien friends".
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Finish all your sentences with, "In accordance to the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire room. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Dont use any punctuation
As people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
Specify that your drive-through order is to go.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Find out where your teacher shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your teacher does. (This is especially effective if your teacher is of the opposite gender.)
Send e-mails to your friends to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in stall #3."
Put mosquito netting around your desk. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Call 911 and ask of 911 is for emergencies.
Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
Tell your teachers, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."
Tell your parents over dinner: "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Things To Do In An Elevator:

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's A Small World" incessantly.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doorts open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
Meow occassionally.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Say, "Ding!" at each floor
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
Announce in the demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Top Ten Signs Your Kid's School Is Too Crowded: (Thankies Nick)

10. Kid comes home happy saying, "I got to ride INSIDE the bus today!"

9. Principal sends you a warning--your kid's not skipping class enough.

8. Teacher needs a U-Haul to bring home the book reports.

7. The kids outnumber the roaches.

6. School play is "The 10 Commandments"--enough kids to play all 100,000 Hebrews.

5. Class photo taken using government weather satellite.

4. The teacher calls out, "Gus Van Rauschenbach" and 17 kids respond.

3. Last spring's school bake sale brought in one and a quarter million.

2. There's a waiting list to get your ass kicked by the school bully.

1. Losing 60 to 70 kids on a class trip is considered "successful".