TO MY DEAR WIFE: During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleeping
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo *wink wink*
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

===================================================

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

An elderly couple were watching one of those TV preachers on TV one night. The preacher faced the camera and announced, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on the top of your TV and the other on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you." The old woman had been having terrible stomach problems, so she placed one hand on the TV, and the other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approached the TV, placing one hand on the TV and the other oh his groin. With the frown his wife said, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine Sex. Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too. Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I have had Sex since I was 9 years old." he said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the places was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said "Me too." Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I am looking for Sex." My case comes up on Friday.

It was a busy day for the eletric chair. Today, three men were up for the juice. The first man was a political scientist from Baylor University. He was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final comments. He replied, "I had a promising career in politics until...I was framed, I tell you, framed!" His tirade was interrupted by the flick of the switch, but nothing happened. As was the custom at this particular prison, the Baylor man was taken from the chair and allowed to live after the failed execution attempt. The second man was a computer scientist from the University of Texas. His final words were, "I had a promising career in computing, but I didn't think that tampering with the national air traffic control system would crash THAT many planes..." Again, the electrical switch was flipped and again nothing happened. The man was released from the chair and allowed to live. The third man was an electrical engineer, named Bubba, from Texas A&M University. Bubba was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final words. He says, "I had a promising career as an electrical engineer, but, you know, if y'all cross that red wire over there with that blue wire, this thing will work."

An insurance salesman is phoning a home owner to solicit business, and a child answers the phone: "Excuse me, big boy, may I speak with your father?" "No," he whispers. "He's talking to a policeman," the kid says softly. "Oh. Well then, may I speak with your mother?" "No," the kid whispers. "Why?" "She's talking to a fireman," he says softly. "You are telling me that your mother is home, your father is home, the police department is there, the fire department is there, and I can't speak to any of them? Why not?" "Because they're looking for me."

In heaven, there are two gates for married men: The gate for married men that say that they are the boss, and the gate for married men who admit that their wife is the boss. Saint Peter was strolling near the 2 gates one afternoon. In front of the gate for married men who admit that their wife is the boss, was a big long line, In front of the gate for men who say that they are the boss, there was one fellow, standing all by himself. "Say buddy, what are you doing over by THAT gate?" inquired Saint Peter. "Well, Saint Peter, I'm not really sure," replied the man, "But this is where my wife told me to stand."

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 AM." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5 AM. Wake up." (MEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR THESE SORT OF CONTESTS.)

*BULLETIN* The Occupational Safety & Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is two persons at one time, unless I install handrails or safety straps. As you have arrived sixth in line to ride my ass today, please take a numer and wait your turn. Thank You.

Friend,
When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and
help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible
stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.
When you are confused, ...I will use little words to
explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're
well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath, ...I pledge 'til the end. Why you may
ask? Because you're my friend!

*daddy's rulez for dating*
rule one: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're surely not picking anything up.
rule two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. if you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
rule three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place.

rule four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
rule five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."
rule six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
rule seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the golden gate bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
rule eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
rule nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind me.
rule ten: Be afraid, be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near hanoi. When my agent orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long; the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of littler hair things at one end and a small hole at the other. It use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from it's long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emenating, it is reutrned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching it's bristling climax twice or three times daily, but often much less.

What am I????

As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own.........

........toothbrush....... [What were you thinking?! You perv!]

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down." 

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up ... you're next!" 

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." she then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, a blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The blonde checked the next morning and, sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 and a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

On a plane bound for new york the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to new york, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so." Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. The pilot replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York." 

A blonde walks up to a coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning?"

Q: How many blonds did it take to change the lightbulb?
A: 5, one to hold the lightbulb, 4 to turn the room around.

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: Why don't blondes eat jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the diet pepsi, and one to call, "daaady!"

Q: What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, are you sure it's mine?

Q: Whad did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, or a smart blonde.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead. [me and my friends (even those who are not blonde) always do this]

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide-and-seek champ.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A space invader.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

Q: How do you make a blond laugh on monday?
A: Tell them a joke on friday!

A blonde goes into an appliance store looking for a tv. after a few minutes, she picks one out and approaches the salesman. "I want to buy this television," she says. The salesman replies, "Sorry, we don't serve blondes here." She gets mad, leaves and goes home. She dyes her hair brown and returns to the store. "I want to buy this television." she says to the salesman. She gets the same response; "Sorry miss, we don't serve blondes here." She leaves again, frustrated. She goes home and proceeds to shave her head, eyebrows and all, leaving no visible trace of blonde hair on her head. Upon returning to the store, she once again approaches the salesman. "Sir, I would like to purchase this television, and I don't want any problems." To which the salesman replies, "Sorry miss, we don't serve blondes." Fed up with this, she cries, "How can you tell that I am blonde? I have dyed my hair and even resorted to shaving my head!" To which the salesman replied, "Well, miss, that television you are trying to buy is a microwave!" 

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it." 

A blonde walked into a hairdresser's with a pair of headphones on and asked the hairdresser for a haircut - but "Don't touch the headphones o.k.?" "Fine" said the hairdresser - a little taken aback - but happy for the work. Three weeks later, the same blonde returned and asked for another haircut but with the same condition: "Whatever you do ... don't touch the headphones" "No problem" said the hairdresser who went on to give her another good cut, considering the restraint. Three weeks later, the same thing happened "And don't forget - don't touch the headphones" said the blonde. Well, just as the hairdresser was finished, she couldn't resist and she just lifted one side of the headphones up. The blonde promptly fell stone dead on the floor of the shop. "Oh my god - I think I've killed her" screamed the hairdresser. She picked up the headphones and put them on herself. She heard the strangest thing... "Breathe in...breathe out... breathe in...breathe out." 

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead escaped from prison. They were running along when they came upon a dock. On the dock were three gunnysacks. They could hear the cops approaching, so the brunette suggested that they get in the sacks. So they got in the sacks right before the cops arrived. A cop kicked the sack with the redhead in it, and she said, "Ruff ruff ruff!" he said, "Oh, it's only a dog." He kicked the one with the brunette in it, and she said "Meow meow meow." He said, "Oh, it's only a cat." Then, he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and she said, "POTATOES POTATOES POTATOES!"

Three blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon a set of tracks.
"Looks like deer tracks", said one blonde.
"No, it looks like maybe a cow track," another blonde suggested.
"Actually, I think they are just dog tracks," the third blonde offered.
They were still arguing when the train hit them! 

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the capital of Montana?" The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"

She was so blonde....
~she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
~she put lipstick on her forehead because Someone told her to make up her mind.
~she got stabbed in a shoot-out
~she told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk."
~she sat on the tv and watched the couch.
~she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
~she tried to drown a fish.
~she thought a quarterback was a refund.
~she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
~if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
~they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
~under "education" on her job application, she put "hooked on phonics." ~she tripped over a cordless phone.
~she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
~at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "sagittarius."
~if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
~she sold the car for gas money.
~when she saw the "nc-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
~when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
~when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
~shen she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "airport left" she turned around and went home.

On a sear's hairdryer:
*Do not use while sleeping.*
(gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of fritos:
*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.*
(the shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap:
*Directions: Use like regular soap.*
(and that would be how...?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
*Serving suggestion: Defrost.*
(but it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
*Do not turn upside down.*
(too late!)
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding:
*Product will be hot after heating.*
(as night follows day...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
*Do not iron clothes on body.*
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's children cough medicine:
*Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.*(we could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-old with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
*Warning: May cause drowsiness.*
(one would hope.)
On most brands of christmas lights:
*For indoor and outdoor use only.*
(as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor:
*Not to be used for other use.*
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
*Warning: Contains nuts.*
(talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
*Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.*
(step 3: fly delta.)
On a child's superman costume:
*Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.*
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
*Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals.*
(was there a lot of this happening somewhere? my god!)

*for this joke to work, you have to use an italian accent*
One day Ima go to Detroit to a bigga otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her, you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say, you better not piss on the plate, you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma b*tch! Later I go eats lunch at drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a spoon anda knife, but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me, everybody wanna fock. I tell her, you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say, you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma b*tch. So I go back to my room inna otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to the toilet. So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say, you better not sheet on the bed, you sonna ma b*tch. I go to check out anda the man at the desk say, "Peace to you." I say, "Piss on you too, you sonna ma b*tch." I go back to italy.

Read each line aloud.
This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is a cat.
This is dumbass cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.

Dave had felt guilty all day long. No matter how hard he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him, "Dave, dont' worry about it, you weren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go!" but invariable the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Dave, you're a vet..."

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "There's good news and bad news." "Oh, no..." muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet." "Gosh, and the good news?" "The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.
With a *poof* the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.
"Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.
"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of the United States, a famous biographer was going to write Bill's life story. During the course of his interview, he asked Bill, "What was your best and your worst decision during the Presidency?" Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said, "Monica Lewinski! I'd have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision." "How could that be, Bill?" asked the surprised biographer. Bill smiles and then shook his head, "I'd have to say she was both my best and my worst decision for the same reason." "That's odd. What was the reason for that?" said the biographer. Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, "Monica had a big mouth."

In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worth of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 hail Mary's and I'll be right back." Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex." Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 hail mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation, the janitor peered his head out of the confession and asked an alter boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?" In reply the alter boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. "No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. "I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb. "No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan "I have had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan. "No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty. Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time. Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming. "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so." In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty. "I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees." In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"